RED BLACKBERRY JOYRIDES THRU SAN FRANCISCO!


Life has gotten way too serious! BREAKING NEWS: This just in! Police Report given by Oakland’s Licensed Acupuncturist, Dafina Kuficha: “Who knew when I got out of the taxi,

CAB DRIVER: BENITO FOURATUCCI

my assistant,  Ms. Red Blackberry, had remained behind, and sadly with all my precious business and personal documents still in her possession. I didn’t realize it right away as I was rushing to get to the parking lot in time to avoid paying extra parking fees. You know I could pay a third of my office rent for what it costs to park in San Francisco.  Sorry, I digress. I asked Ms. Red to phone my publisher and when she didn’t reply, I turned around and she was nowhere to be seen. That’s when I realized she did not leave the taxicab.

“Ms. Red hadn’t been herself lately. She and the cab driver had been flirting. After all, she is a Blackberry, but it seemed harmless. Who knew that Ms. Red, my trusted assistant, would take it upon herself to travel all night and day around SF, rake up an enormous taxi fare, and run off? She left the the bill for me to pay? Fat chance! I joked that I hoped her SIM card could pose as a credit card or that she would be busted and have to see the rough side of life! She’d never been this irresponsible before. She was such a good worker! I’m just devastated!” Here’s the story: AP Associated Press RED BLACKBERRY DITCHES LOYALTY FOR A JOY RIDE IN SAN FRANCISCO By ANIFAD SEYAH Associated Press, 2hours 30minutes ago

“Red Blackberry, the professional and social assistant to longtime community and spiritual activist, acupuncturist Dafina Kuficha, was arrested on Saturday morning for trying to bail out of a colossal taxi debt incurred after she allegedly coerced the cab driver to take her to some of San Francisco’s known hot spots, keeping the meter running for over 15 hours.   According to the police report, when Ms. Kuficha alighted out of the taxi, Ms. Blackberry aka Ms. Red in the report, pretended to be with her, but instead jumped back into the taxi unnoticed, deciding to take a tour of the wild side of San Francisco.  When the cab driver, Benito Fouratucci, who pleaded to remain anonymous due to his martial status, asked her to pay the gigantic fare she racked up, Ms. Red, laughingly declined.  After citing financial hardship, she chimed in one of her alluring ring tones catching him completely off guard as she attempted to bail out of the taxi. Mr. Fouratucci tried to restrain her and an argument ensued. When the cab driver threatened to call the police, Ms. Red seduced him with an offer to become his professional and personal assistant as a fair trade. However, he realized she could not keep her part of the bargain when she passed out on the cab floor. The cab driver, fearing the financial loss and his boss, rushed Ms. Red to the police station. As Ms. Red was coming to, she complained that she was losing her charge, needed more energy.

In the meantime, Ms. Kuficha, having scoured the city trying to locate her, had already filed a missing Red Blackberry report. It wasn’t until late Saturday evening that she found out police were holding Ms. Red in an undisclosed location. A person familiar with the investigation told the Associated Press that the police were being forced into silence about the specific whereabouts of Ms. Blackberry due to an amended clause in the Patriot Act . The person declined to be named because he was not authorized to publicly provide details about the case. Even if  the cab driver drops the charges and Ms. Red is released by the police, the notoriety she has received may deter her from returning to her normal life in east bay working for the well-loved acupuncturist. Already there have been rumors flying about of an undisclosed amount of money offered Ms. Blackberry for her biography and any dirt she’ll agree to disclose on Mr. Fouratucci and Ms. Kuficha, just to keep things juicy.

The question remains how is Ms. Kuficha coping with this great loss, which includes some invaluable information that Ms. Red was carrying when she took her “joy ride”. We caught up with her at her home in what is purported to be her favorite room, the kitchen. Ms. Kuficha answered despairingly, “She always told me I was the only real family she’d ever known. I just want to know that she’s alright. Yes, she did take a lot of my personal and business files with her, as well as pictures and music, but I’m not thinking about filing a report against her. I’m asking the community to keep

Photo credit: Dafina Kuficha

Licensed Acupuncturist mourning loss & betrayal

Ms. Red in their prayers. Obviously, she’s been on the verge of a breakdown for a while and that taxi ride may have also given her the false hope that she can reconnect with her estranged family, her brother, Mr. Black Blackberry and her sister, Dr. Silver Blackberry, wife of the infamous jet-setter Andy Android. “I bet she’s uploaded Britney’s music, too. That was our last argument. While she claimed a love for Goapele and Ledisi, she had a wild fascination with Madonna and Britney. I never understood it. I guess this work was Ms. Red’s circuitous route to becoming a Blackberry playbook girl.  If  she doesn’t return, I hope she decides to lead a decent life where she’ll be loved and cherished and that she finds a way to get my important documents back to me. “I, I, uh, truly just didn’t see this coming.” stammered Ms. Kuficha as she was comforted by Ms. Red’s bespectacled temporary replacement, Ms. Eye Phone. We’ll have more news on this compelling story as events unfold.

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